Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Waiting times

Yes, I know you have to pick up 3, or was it 4 children in 10 minutes. I know that you need to be 'somewhere' in an hour. I know that you are meeting your long lost pen pal from Outer Mongolia and the only time you can meet is in the next half hour. I know that you have had nothing to eat for 4 hours - guess what, it is now 5:00 o'clock and I haven't managed to have a toilet break since 10:00 o'clock. Do you have any other sob story that you think will get you seen faster than the people in the waiting room who have been waiting for 2 hours now? Go for it, I have heard them all. Don't try emotional blackmail, stories of cancer and heart problems while tragic and upsetting have nothing to do with your sprained ankle. Telling me you think you 'might' have a seizure is always fun - can you pseudo-seize better than I can diagnose it? Bear in mind I have years of experience of pseudo-seizures. All I will do is embarrass you in front of the waiting room - yes I am a cruel and heartless b*st*rd but I have a very low BS threshold.

Before you think I have a heart of stone, I do have some weak spots - if you are getting married, I will try to get you seen quicker (I'm a grumpy old romantic), also if you are graduating or sitting exams I see these as genuine reasons to jump the queue. Even if you are a tourist and need to catch transport to continue your holiday I will try to accomodate that. But seriously, when you are unemployed telling me that 1 hour is too long to wait is laughable - where else do you have to be?

Wandering around shouting loudly that "It's as well you're not dying" just makes you look a dick as the whole point is that if you are dying or ill or if you are genuinely exanguinating in front of me you will already be on a trolley with us doing our thing to try to stop you.

You can always tell someone who has been in or at a hospital before, they are the ones with the books or kindles or ipads who sit quietly waiting for their turn.